M. Vincent van Mechelen
NOTES OF THE METRIC MONTHS
FROM 56 TO 59 ASWW
first note of the year
CAUGHT IN THE CROSS- AND CRESCENT-FIRE
Those not adhering to one of the major Abraham religions who are
inclined to think "Let them kill one another" must not forget that they
may have an equal chance of being caught in the Cross- and Crescent-fire
59.MNE-59th Late Southwest
SWINGING THE BIG PRICK
What do you call the argument of a man who says that he will
rape you, if you don't agree that he may have you?
SCRIPTURE AND THE DEVIL
The devil can not only cite Scripture for its or
or his purpose, the devil needs Scripture for its or 'er or his
or racism, for instance.
59.LNE-59th Early Southwest
The female appendage as a four-character word: 'Lieutenant and Mrs. Peter
Buckland, R.N. (Retd.)'.
44.MNW-59th Late Southeast
THE MERCHANT OF VENOM
Shakespeare was also a businessperson, rather than an innovator,
—or rather he— exploited several types of contemporary
prejudice (from the lowest popular sentiments to cultivated superstition)
in order to please his Christianist audience and to suit his monarchist
The essential thing which capitalism and
have in common is speculation.
42.LSW-59th Early Southeast
AN ANT ON THE NIGHTWATCH
Some people visit
and have only some sour comment on the presentation.
They remind me of the ant who, after a visit to the Nightwatch, was asked
thought of the work and whose answer was that 'e didn't like the bitter
taste of the canvas.
59.LNE-59th Central Month
THE CALLOUSED HAND OF GOD
According to the Abraham religions pure and simple an AIDS patient
is not the victim of a disease but the target of a supreme being.
42.MNE-59th Late Northwest
A TREACLE TART
What do the British call a prostitute who is fond of molasses?
GOD AND THE DEVIL EXIST
I know God and the Devil exist, but
do not believe in God or the Devil.
ca 30 aSWW-59th Early Northwest
FASHIONS WAITING TO BE TRANSCENDED
Selective anti-racism, anti-'anti-Semitism' and verbal anti-sexism
are fashions waiting to be transcended by a total view of the
or rather irrelevancy, of discrimination.
38.MNE-59th Late Northeast
SUSPENSION IN LITERATURE AND IN RELIGION
To look upon the Vedas, the Bible and the Koran as literary writings is to
ask for a temporary suspension of disbelief; to look upon them as sacred
writings for oneself is to demand an eternal suspension of reason and
YES A MASS-MURDERER, BUT NO HOMOSEXUAL
President Museveni of Uganda is willing to let Idi Amin be buried
there, but refuses to admit that, in the late (heterosexual)
mass-murderer's country, some fellow-citizens may be homosexual.
[from ?]-75th Early Northeast
Isn't it tragicomic that a member of such an
political monstrosity as the British House of Lords denounced the word
relevant as a monstrosity? How antirelevant the lords and ladies of
42.MSE-58th Late Southwest
The sex-worker flunked her oral exam, because she didn't know how to
pronounce her client's name right during the act.
The Abraham religions will eventually be brought to justice by a book in
which they are not mentioned.
38.ESE-58th Early Southwest
A SPLINTER GROUP
What do you call a small community of lumberjacks?
58.CEN-58th Late Southeast
THE QUEEN SAVE GOD
In this time of dechristianization it is the Queen and her suite who are
left with the dreadful task of saving God from Allah and nothing.
ca 29.CEN-58th Mid-Southeast
HOW NOT TO BAKE A CHERRIE PIE
The other day a theater advertisement in Amsterdam read:
"How to Bake a Cherrie Pie". The title of the play should have been:
"How to Spell a Cherry Pie".
39.LNE-58th Early Southeast
ALAS, NOT TO THE NORM
Someone who claims that 'no-one comes to the Father but by me' has not
58.ENW-58th Central Month
Not all Brits are great.
42.ENE-58th Late Northwest
LET BELIEVERS LIE AND DON'T
For some people God and Heaven, Devil and Hell, may be worth
believing in (and lying about), for no-one they are worth starting to
THEIR DOCTORS DO NOT HAVE GENITALS
In traditional English everyone is a 'Mr Sex-and-So' or a 'Mrs
Sex-and-So' (if married), as if gender were always fully relevant,
except a doctor: he or she is not a Mr or a Mrs but a 'Doctor
So-and-So', regardless of sex.
58.ENE-58th Early Northwest
ORTHODOX RELIGIOUS SCHOOLS
Orthodox religious schools teach the language of Leviathan,
the physics of a flat earth, the chemistry of brimstone, and biology
out of nothing.
43.MNE-58th Late Northeast
What do you call someone with long legs who jumps out to buy
marijuana somewhere in a building used for selling to the public?
What do you call living beings that are not exclusively male or
not exclusively heterosexual or not living in Israel or not even
monotheistic, and that celebrate Christmas nevertheless?
42.CEN-58th Early Northeast
GOING THROUGH HER DRAWERS
She caught him going through her drawers. But then she noticed
with a deep sigh ... that she did not have them on.
57.CEN-57th Late Southwest
A Judeo-Christianist regime sends astronauts to the moon in order
to read from their Bible and to pray to their God, using the natural
distance for the corroboration of their
CLOSING HER EYES AND THINKING OF
Queen Victoria closed her eyes and thought of England during
vaginal copulation. It makes one wonder what she was doing while
closing her eyes and thinking of Wales or Scotland.
57.ENE-57th Early Southwest
A Catholic bishop claims that the August floods in Germany were
God's punishment for today's sins. As these floods were the worst in
100 years, it proves again that his august god was not in the least
disturbed by the mass murder of millions of innocent people in the same
region only 60 years earlier, when there were no such floods.
57.MSE-57th Late Southeast
"NOT ANY MORE"
Grandma's condition is rapidly deteriorating. On the form she had
to complete for the insurance company she filled in under her personal
data after SEX: "not any
more". But it's all her own fault, ...
for there are enough nice men who prefer a mature lady to a silly wench.
If the whole later development of Western philosophy can be
regarded as a series of extended footnotes to Plato, then it is high
time to start a new book.
35.MSW-57th Early Southeast
What good does it do a country when it has rid the whole world
of an Islamic Taliban, while a Christian Taliban is taking over
57.LNE-57th Central Month
A QUESTION OF SUCCESSION (DUTIES)
Under current law citizens such as Elizabeth Windsor and Beatrix zur Lippe
do not have to pay succession duties on their excessive inheritances, but
hypocritical politicians who claim to be in favor of social justice and
equality before the law keep on collaborating blithely and faithfully with
The real question is therefore not so much who will succeed these
monarchs, but who will succeed these politicians.
57.LNW-57th Late Northwest
WHAT'S A MISEROTIC?
|MAIza-ROtik| is a miser
who enjoys saving his or her virginity or chastity and who eschews even
the simplest and safest forms of erotic satisfaction.
Where India managed to get rid of hundreds of maharajas, countries
like the United Kingdom did not even manage to get rid of merely one.
56.MNW-57th Early Northwest
A sacred book that combines the writings and ideas of Adolf Hitler and
Albert Schweitzer in one volume is my abomination, even
its unity is supposed to be provided by calling both of them "God".
40.ENE-57th Late Northeast
THE UK HAD BETTER BE PREPARED
The United Kingdom —and
don't mean Great Britain or Ireland— had better be prepared, for the
Christian Middle Ages are bound to be succeeded by another era!
Dutch-made 2-euro coins
have the nazi SS motto on the edge, will it be possible to pay with German
euro coins instead in the Netherlands?
56.LSW-57th Early Northeast
AGAIN, THE SON OF A CARPENTER
I, too, am the son of a carpenter, but the real son of a carpenter who
later became a model maker, architect and artist and who would never have
rejoiced at merely being Superman's foster father.
41.MSW-56th Late Southwest
BEGGARS AND MILLIONAIRES
Europe and North America you see more and more beggars in the streets and
more and more millionaires in the papers.
THE BIBLE IS RIGHT
The Bible is right: it is said to contain 1600 hostile references to
56.ESE-56th Early Southwest
I don't write in British English for the British nor in American English
for the Americans, but
write as a world citizen for other world citizens in
This Language, which is, at
the moment, spoken as a first or foreign language by more people than any
45.MSW-56th Late Southeast
The sociable relieve each other by mutual succor.
IDEAS FROM THE STONE THROWERS AGE
There is still an army of hate critters going around with
ideas from the Stone Throwers Age.
56.LNW-56th Early Southeast
IT IS WHAT TO CARESS WHAT?
It is mere consonance to caress your cat;
it is alliteration to caress your relative.
56.LNE-56th Central Month
THE THIRTEENTH SUPERSTITION
Where people are so superstitious that they dare not live on the
thirteenth floor of an apartment building, unless it is given the
number 14, you wonder about the quality of their other beliefs.
26 aSWW-56th Late Northwest
A LITERARY TRAGEDY
Dante's Divine Comedy is indigestible — what a waste of
talent, what a literary tragedy.
It makes the Biblical weather forecast come true: Heaven is even worse
PRST... THE OLDEST PROFESSION
The oldest profession may be either prostitution or the priesthood.
56.LNE-56th Early Northwest
A SHARE OF JOKES 'N' JIBES
Anyone entering the ideological arena is likely to receive 'er
share of jokes and jibes. Receiving a share of jokes and jibes is itself
a sign of being recognized in the ideological arena.
42.CEN-56th Late Northeast
SOMETHING TO HISS AT
Feminists who substitute woman, women or her for
man, men or his in every word, even where these
three letters do not, and never did, refer to males at all (as in the
word history), are womentally ill womaniacs. Perhaps, they can
be cured from their allergy with a little bit of antihertamine.
IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME
Worldwide-Webbers don't go Gregorian anymore — it's only a matter of
56.ENE-56th Early Northeast
of the Metric Months in other four-year